


Drifting

by Bates



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Anna feeling broken, Asexuality, Break down, Community: spnfemminibang, F/F, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Loneliness, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, asexual Anna, mentions of depression, mentions of voluntary freezing to numb the pain, throwing up, troubled eating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-16
Updated: 2015-09-16
Packaged: 2018-04-19 19:09:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4757645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bates/pseuds/Bates
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anna doesn’t know if she can handle it much longer. For years, she has felt broken and wrong. She’s sad and lonely. After Jo left her because she couldn’t handle Anna being asexual, there really wasn’t a lot of things left for her to live for.<br/>And then comes Ruby, smiling and lovely Ruby. Ruby who cares and loves her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

_ _

 

_“i have lived a thousand years_

_i have felt a world of pain_

_but never like this”_

 

 

**[myself i lost long ago; losing you is more than i can bear](http://pumpkinbucky.tumblr.com/post/124269572121/i-have-lived-a-thousand-years-i-have-felt-a-world) **

**d.l.**

 

* * *

 

 

 

**Three months prior**

 

Jo had the grace to look apologetic as she packed up her stuff. She packed up everything as if it was nothing, as if nothing had ever mean anything. First, her grey sweater that Anna always wore during the mornings, when it was cold and her bare feet send chills through her spine, followed by the hardbound volumes of her favorite book series that were half falling apart because she read them so often. Seeing the all too familiar shampoo and conditioner bottles leave the shower stall and her toothbrush left an empty space, one that Anna didn't quite know how to solve.

It ached.  The empty spaces on the shelves where her favorite cup had rested before or seeing her jewelry disappear from the hangers she too used. What made it all worse was that she didn't know what set it off, what had made Jo decide that now was the time to say goodbye to her fuck up of a girlfriend, now she was finally after months and weeks of feeling like she was worth something, like she wasn't just a broken porcelain doll.

"I’m sorry, Anna. I really am.” Her bag was already slung over her shoulder. “I tried.” She knew that, it just wasn’t a good situation for either of them anymore. It only created tension and nightmares for the both of us. Anna had lost count of how often they'd fought over the past couple of weeks, even the tiniest things could set them off. “But I can’t. I just can’t okay.” All they did was fight, it wasn’t like the situation was doing either of them favors. She just hadn’t expected Jo to be sick of her this soon, to let her go this quickly.

Anna didn’t cry. She didn’t even though part of her wanted to cry and kick and scream, make a fuss. Part of her wanted to cry her eyes out while Jo was still there, show her that she cared, that her being broken didn’t mean that she couldn’t love somebody. Anna couldn’t cry, she didn't have the energy for it. She didn’t even say goodbye as Jo dropped her set of keys on the kitchen table and left, the hollow sound of the door clicking in place the only thing that echoed through the room.

Anna wondered what she had done to make Jo decide that this was it, that this wasn’t what she wanted to do, not anymore. She’d looked around, but couldn’t find anything that pointed at her doing something wrong. Except not sleeping with her, except not wanting to force herself to feel something that she couldn't, that made her feel dirty and unwanted, wrong.

 

Her room felt empty without Jo there, without her stuff in the corner and her laundry everywhere. Her bedroom and bathroom were stripped of any prove that Jo had ever slept there, except for the spot on her bed where she used to sleep. The sheets still smelled like her perfume; sweet and soft, distant. The bed was cold to the touch and Anna hadn't expected anything different. Jo and her hadn't slept in the same bed in ages, had almost felt like strangers sharing a room.

Part of Anna knew that, part of Anna knew that if Jo hadn't gone away now it would have happened sooner rather than later. Jo could have left during another one of her hard moments, another moment that she was nothing but a weeping mess in the corner of the shower while ice cold water splashed over her. She could have left when she was just aching for something else to feel, for anything but the numbness and the sadness.

Jo had left their necklace. The golden necklace with a simple heart that they had both bought what seemed to be like ages ago. They had found it in a shop and in a childish teenage moment, getting the same necklace had seemed to be a good idea ― it had been a token of their friendship. For a while, it had stood for no more than friendship, until Anna had kissed Jo, taken the jump and seemed to land in a good place, seemed to land somewhere safe and warm. Jo made her feel like she was home, like she wouldn't be judged. Oh how wrong she had been.

“I’m sorry,” Anna muttered as she clutched the necklace in her hands. The metal was cool to the touch. “I’m so sorry Jo.” God she was pathetic. No wonder Jo didn't want her anymore, no wonder that she thought Anna was broken. She was. Broken beyond repair and Jo had just escaped that. Jo had just gotten out of a very bad situation.


	2. the downfall

_ _

 

_I think I saw you in my sleep, darling,_

_I think I saw you in my dreams you were_

_Stitching up the seams on every broken promise_

_That your body couldn't keep._

 

 

 **LA DISPUTE** ; SUCH SMALL HANDS

 

* * *

 

 

The streets were cold at night in November. It was two am and Anna was clothed in just a thin sweater and loose sweatpants; the cold cut through her skin as if it was nothing, as if the clothes offered no warmth at all. They let the wind through without fault and it was what she wanted. She had woken up from yet another nightmare to find the spot next to her was cold to the touch, no indent to reveal that her girlfriend has just gotten up or had even been there in the past few weeks. Not even Jo was there to comfort her, not anymore.

All she had to keep her mind away from the thoughts was a cigarette and the cold that bit her skin. It all barely helped these days, barely kept her mind from the hunger and sadness pulling her down, barely kept her tied to her body instead of wavering in the ether. Barely kept her thoughts in and her tears from her eyes. Some days, it felt like somebody had tied a weight to her body that tugged her down, made her body feel as if it weighed a thousand pounds. Just moving, walking, keeping it together hurt while during others, she could actually smile. Until the night fell and she felt as if it all came raining down on her. As if all the happiness of that day had a price.

It had been going on like that for weeks now. Every night, Anna woke up grasping the covers, blindly trying to find her girlfriend there next to her, trying to find her warmth and comfort. Each time the sheets came away empty and every night the spot on the bed next to her was cold. The sole thought made her stomach churn and the nausea roar free again; _Jo was gone_. The food of the last night made its way up and Anna scrambled up so she'd reach the toilet in time. It stung in her throat, made her feel even worse as she rested her head against the cold tile floor. 

Jo was gone and it was all her fault. She wouldn’t be coming back to her, not anymore; she had Charlie now. She was happier and healthier, she wasn't trapped in their unhealthy relationship anymore.

 

Jo had left weeks ago. After she had found out just how broken her girlfriend was, she had packed her bags and left. Anna didn’t blame her for it, she would have done the same; would have done the same if somebody came knocking with a heart made of barb wire and a warning label with enough print to make a book. She knew that she was broken, that she wasn’t good enough for anyone. Especially not Jo; she was too kind, too gentle, she meant too much. The world needed Jo too much. Anna was a fuck up that nobody needed in their life. The world didn't need her, no one did. All she was was a burden.

Jo and her, it hadn’t worked anyway. They fought too often and weren’t that compatible after all. It was sad, seeing her go and the first week, she had cried and worked her way through too much Ben and Jerry’s with Dean. At least he understood her, understood how broken she felt. The Ben and Jerry’s had been a bad choice on his part, but she had nodded and smiled, eating a few bites; a few bites too many.

Her friendship with Dean was something that she had never expected to get so much out of; so much comfort, warmth and friendship. For a while, she had found partial understanding even. At first, she had thought that he was nothing more than the badass he pretended to be. The guy with the nerdy brother that he couldn't stop bragging about, the geeky shirts and crappy taste in music. Dean was the guy with an Impala in a garage and a leather jacket on his shoulders older than both him and his brother combined.

Anna had been sure that it was all he was, until Dean had dragged him out to a bar one night. After that night, she saw Dean in a new light. He saw the way his mouth had dropped slightly when Castiel ― a dorky student in the first year of his literature program ― walked in with his siblings. She'd noticed the way his eyes roamed Cas and  _knew._  She saw Dean in an entire new light after that, saw the insecurity or worry that he was hiding behind that gruff exterior.

Dean wanted to hide it and Anna understood. It had taken her long to open up about who she was. Even if she was at least partially out by now, even if everybody knew that she wasn't quite straight they still didn't know that she was asexual. It was something that she couldn't even tell her closest relatives.

He opened up about it too her a little afterwards. He'd been hesitant at first, but told her about being bisexual and  _yes_ being into Cas. Apparently the two of them had met a few times after class and Dean had grown to love the little bastard. Even though he didn't quite know where he was on the romantic spectrum, he thought what he felt for the stubborn idiot with a brain that was even  _bigger_ than Sammy's. Anna had ignored the little spark of happiness that she'd gotten from being trusted with the information. It had been stupid, but in that moment, she'd found pride in him admitting it  _and_  at the same time, telling her as a first person that Castiel and he were an actual item by that point.

Her relationship with Dean wasn’t strong enough for her to confess him any of the other things she went through. He didn’t know that she wandered the streets at night clothed in her thinnest clothes so that she would feel the ice cold wind bite and her fingers turned blue. He didn’t know about the crippling anxiety she sometimes felt or just how bad her eating had gotten lately. She was alone in those; it was why she wandered. Why she sometimes wandered close enough to go to the train tracks and watch trains fly by.

She would imagine herself sitting down by the edge in her shorts and t-shirt, feeling the cold bite her skin one last time, seeing the last sunset of her short and miserable life. Anna would see it before her eyes: how she would wait until three am until the transportation trains would come flying by, how she would smile as she let the first one pass, just feeling the wind rush past her body, the thrill of adrenaline as she would take another step when the train got closer and closer. Her body would be dragged with it and they probably wouldn't even notice it.

She would be dead on impact.

 

It had been months since she’d had a good night of sleep or had slept more than four hours. Ever since the ‘incident’ things had changed. Jo and her had still slept in the same bed and curled up together, but the whole thing was tense and had felt wrong. Jo and Anna, they didn’t talk anymore, not the way they used to. It was the reason that they had decided to split up, or well, that Jo had decided Anna wasn't worth it anymore.

Charlie was better for Jo. Anna had seen them a few times when they were together and yes, Jo looked so much happier. She had a smile on her face. Who was she to deny her that? She loved Jo with all her heart and if letting her go was the only way to see her happy, it was what she did. Her new girlfriend, she wasn’t broken, not the way Anna was. Jo could take Charlie out for dinner without having problems, she knew that she could take her to a restaurant and kiss openly without making her uncomfortable.  They could crawl into bed together and sleep together; unravel each other and let the bliss take over. Anna couldn’t give that to her. She wanted to, but she would probably never be able to. She’d tried, god knew that she had tried to be normal, to feel like she wasn’t broken. Each of her attempts had caused her to feel even worse.

She’d slept with Jo. Only once and the aftermath of it had messed her up so much that she had barely left the room the next day and afterwards, when Jo slept with a smile on her lips, she’d locked herself in the bathroom. She had turned on the shower and cried her eyes out. It was how she found out how much the freezing water gave her something to focus on. Anna had scrubbed at her skin until it was raw and scratched the skin off of so many places on her body, until she felt nothing but the stinging burn and her arms trembled. Even the thought of it had her hanging over the toilet boil coughing up bile some nights. She had felt so wrong and used. Even if she had wanted it, even if she had given verbal consent. She still felt dirty.

 

Anna didn’t sleep get another bit of sleep after that. While the sleep deprivation wasn’t something that she liked, she was used to it. Class wasn’t that much worse on only two hours of sleep anyway. Coffee helped a little and well, she wouldn’t pay too much attention. College was hard on her, with classes, coursework, and reading that needed to be done, but she got through it. She didn’t pass with flying colors, nor did she like the way that she had to drag herself out to class or the way that she just barely managed to keep her feet moving and her hands taking notes, but it was something.

Not failing gave her a sense of at least not completely being broken, at least being okay at one thing. It was pathetic, so incredibly pathetic. School work that she barely succeeded at shouldn't give her a feeling of being at least partially whole, being at least partially okay. Yet, it did. It did and she pushed it away, didn't let it get to her, because even though it was good, it also felt wrong.

“Cas not here?” she asked, scanning the environment for the familiar tousled head of hair and trench coat. Ever since the two of them had gotten together – after flirting and infuriating everybody around them for at least months – it was rare to see one without the other, especially since Dean was officially ‘out of the closet’ now and open about their relationship. The switch from closeted Dean to him being outgoing like this was subtle and gradual, but Anna was proud of him regardless.

“He’s still in class, remember?” Dean took her in for a second, letting his eyes roam before settling back on her face. “That, and Cas thought we should have a chat. You don’t look so good An.” He threw her a warm smile, the usual smile that said, ‘you know Anna, if you want to talk’. She hated that look. Hated it with more passion than she thought she could ever hate anything.

The coffee burned her lips; she liked the sting that it provided and the way that she could feel it burn its way down her throat. It reminded her that it would all be okay, even if it was nothing more than a cup of coffee. “I’m fine. Really, trust me.” Dean’s too bright green eyes stared into hers. “I, am, okay. Stop worrying, both of you. I swear to god. I am fine, I am over Jo. You both are like my mom.”

“Exactly why I don’t, Milton, you say you are too easily.” He was silent for a little while, almost as if he was thinking about how to phrase something. “Cas picked up on your moods and Anna, Jo is worried.” And yeah, the look that he threw her told her enough. “All due of respect to my boyfriend, but he’s not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to you and your emotions. And Jo? She cares about you An and probably knows you better than anyone.” Just him mentioning Jo stung.

“I don't think that the one who made this all worse should have the right to worry," she bit at him. She hated how venomous her voice became whenever she mentioned Jo out loud, as if all the venom that she usually reserved for herself came out in spite of Jo. "She caused this, so she should just keep her mind to Charlie and shut up." His eyes flicked up to her, big and worried. "You up for some studying?” she cut in before he could say more, before he could worry more. “I need to get my papers done.” Most of all, she needed some distraction from the thoughts raging around in her mind, needed some distraction from Jo and…the world.

“Subtle, very subtle, but okay.” He shook his head. “We will talk about this. How about we grab some food first? I am starving. Class seemed to go on forever.”

 

Castiel joined them at the dinner a little later, when Dean’s order arrived. Anna had settled on just a cup of coffee, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to keep anything down. Everything on the menu was…bad by lack of a better word for it and her stomach didn’t feel like it would keep anything down. She'd felt the nausea roar free in her stomach that morning, the churning on its own was bad enough to have her heaving. Him mentioning Jo and how she was worried for Anna partially had made everything worse again. Even though she had snapped at Dean, she had been closer to throwing up.

Dean of course, had his special: eggs and bacon with sausages. They had started going to the diner on their second day of college, which seemed like years ago. It was only a few months ago but still, habits had formed. Dean always had his breakfast special and even though Anna had bought something at first, lately she just had coffee or a diet coke. She just wasn’t hungry anymore. It wasn’t just losing Jo that had caused the feeling, during their relationship, she didn’t eat that much either. Ever since realizing just how broken she was, she was changed, different. Anna didn’t know what it was, but knew that nobody would want her now. It made her hunger fade away.

Not eating and feeling hungry, it was almost like a therapy to her, a sick twisted therapy that didn’t help that much but did at the same time. It made her feel something. Was an easier, quicker way to make herself hurt than walking outside in the freezing air, was different from the pain she got when she scratched at the skin until it felt damp and would sting and scab over. It was a different, less noticeable way of disappearing. It had her losing weight. If she kept going, she'd disappear, she'd be nothing but a memory. It was all she deserved.

“Hi.” Cas broke through her pondering. “I don’t think that, statistically speaking, the people in my class could be any more annoying. I swear.” He fell down next to Dean with a sigh. “I didn’t hear a single thing of what the professor said because of those stupid girls in front of me.”

“Hi babe,” Dean muttered, scooting over in the booth so Cas wasn't sitting half on his lap, “I ordered you a burger. Okay, right?”

“Yeah, of course. Hello Anna.”

“Hiya Cas,” she muttered, looking up from her cup of coffee. She had been absently listening to Dean before but she had to admit, she didn’t really know what her best friend had said before. He knew to ignore her when she was in one of her ‘moods’ as he usually called them. “Class that bad?” Sometimes, he didn’t know just how much words like those could hurt her. How it sometimes felt like he was ignoring her problems. It wasn’t his fault, mainly hers. She didn’t tell him what was really going on inside her head, the war that seemed to be raging on each and every day. How could she? Anna would lose him too. Like she had lost Jo.

Anna knew that it was just part anxiety and self-doubt speaking and reflecting back to her friends, but she just couldn't. She'd tried to tell him once and it had seemed as if her throat locked up. She was afraid that she would get the same reaction from them as she'd gotten from Jo. Anna couldn't be alone, couldn't have no one over at the college to support her.

“No, it was okay. They just really got on my nerves today.” He threw her a warm smile. “Aren’t you supposed to be in class in like, five minutes though?”

“The teacher is absent, so we don’t actually have class.” Which was, after all, a win-win situation. She didn’t have to figure out how to skip the class without it going noticed and the teacher didn’t have to teach. “But I’m going to the library. You two enjoy your date.” Castiel looked at her in confusion, but let her go. And god was she thankful for that. 

 

* * *

 

 

The library was quiet enough for Anna to actual get her preferred spot next to the window. It was the only place she could comfortably stall out her research and her laptop without feeling like she was bothering others by taking up too much space on the desks. It was closest to the windows and the coldest place in the whole building. Since the start of the school year, the spot had almost always been taken by someone else, so she'd gone in search of another spot to love. Each time it was free too, she stole it before anyone else could.

Sometimes, Anna felt like she was drowning in papers. There was always so much to write, things to read, classes to attend. Everybody else seemed to cope just fine with it, so she should be able to do the same thing, she just didn’t know how she could ever do this for more than just these few years. How some people managed to go to college for seven or eight years, just to become a doctor or to have multiple degrees. Even after a half a year, she was barely hanging on.

“You stole my spot.” The person behind her laughed as Anna jumped up, heart racing in her chest. She hadn’t noticed the girl – at least she assumed that it was a girl – approaching her, but then again, she hadn't quite been paying attention to her surroundings either. Her paper was due too soon and she had done too little to it before coming to the library.

“What?” she couldn’t do anything else but mumble the words as she took in the person standing behind her. She looked familiar enough, she just couldn’t put a name to the face. Maybe they shared a class or had passed in the dorms before, Anna honestly didn't know.

“This is my usual spot – you’ve stolen my spot.” The girl shook her head, trying to hide a smile crawling up the sides of her mouth.

“I. I’m sorry. I’ll pack up my stuff and I’ll find another spot.” Anna didn't quite want to, but she would if the girl preferred it. It wasn't like she was doing anything anyway, her mind was too clouded up for her to really do anything and do it well. Sure, she had the paper to hand in but it wasn't like she would fail if she didn't. Maybe it was better to just give in and go home.

“No, don’t bother. Could you just move a little, we’ll share if that’s cool with you.”

 

It was how Ruby – the girl – and Anna ended up working next to each other all day. It was more than weird, but at the same time, it was kind of nice. Ruby proved to be really helpful when her computer wasn’t cooperating with her and she actually got a free cup of coffee for keeping her stuff safe while she was gone. After all, the day had been a great day. Anna had wrapped herself up in blanket on her couch the moment that she'd gotten home, ready to relax a little bit. In the past couple of weeks, she had started to love days like these, when things were both easy and hard at the same time.

Hanging out with Ruby had allowed her to skip dinner, but had also kept her distracted enough to keep the dark thoughts at bay.  After the conversation with Dean in the morning, Jo hadn’t popped in her head once. It was improvement. No matter how small it was, it was a form of improvement. Ruby seemed to be kind enough. Even though she did look quite punk rock – anybody who rocks a septum and snake bites got the term punk rock in her book – she was kind to Anna. She was wondering whether the girl would have a tattoo or not. She at least seemed the type to have them.

Anna shook her head before turning off the television and getting up off the couch. Her legs shook slightly as she took off her jumper and pants. She'd lost count of how long it had been since she'd truly felt hungry. She'd learned soon enough that a body could get used to the hunger running free and nibbling at her insides. After a while, it only felt numb. 

 

* * *

 

 

They met again a week later, when Ruby caught her having taken up the complete table again. This time however, she automatically put her things to the side, allowing the other girl to steal her spot back. Anna missed the affectionate smile on the other’s lips as she turned her eyes to her computer screen again, trying to make sense of the words swaying in front of her eyes. They were trying to mock her.

“Sorry about this, I wouldn’t have taken up all the space, but this thing needs to be finished tomorrow and I really haven’t had time in the past week.” The words rushed over her lips, dropping like a waterfall. “I’m sorry.” She had stressed out about the project for way too long and had probably drank too much coffee in the process. The past week had been rough. More than rough even. She had met Jo again when she'd gone into town because she was officially all out of everything. Jo had smiled, been polite towards her, but she had been with her new girlfriend, Charlie and well, it stung. Hurt even, if that was the correct term for it. That night had both figuratively and literally been a rough one for her. Even Dean noticed it on her the day after, something he usually didn’t.

It was when she learned that her ice cold showers weren’t a foolproof plan and she really did need to find a better way to cope with everything that went on inside her head. When she learned that ice cubes take a long time to solidify and that there were a few people in her dorm complex that frowned at her when she padded downstairs at two am with her iPod, flip-flops, a pair of shorts and a tank top. Anna had been left scrambling for an excuse when one of the girls had asked her what she was going to do.

Now she realized that she could have probably said that she was going to go lake diving and be believed. The girl had been too drunk to even realize what she had asked or to register the answer to the question.

“No, it’s okay,” Ruby sighed, probably getting ready to move. "I probably shouldn't bother you anywa-" She stopped to take in the way Anna looked and frowned. "You don't look so good." It was the truth probably. Anna had skipped out on her lectures during the day to get started on the essay, but found out sooner rather than later that it was all futile. Her last hour had been spend staring at the words in the article, trying to piece them together so they would make sentences that made sense, but she was failing. Failing miserably.

“No shit Sherlock,” she muttered under her breath, pushing the laptop away from her. Anna wanted nothing more than to close the lid and pretend that the deadline didn't exist, that she didn't need to sleep and that she wasn't about to fuck up the last thing that she thought she was even remotely okay at. “Yeah, I haven’t been feeling so hot. Coming down with something I guess.” Anna shrugged. The lies came easy now, now that she had had months and years to practice them. “There’s been a flu going around campus. I’ll be fine.”

“Well, in that case, you shouldn’t be here. You should be tucked in bed with a cup of soup." Ruby gave her a stern look, gaze flicking over what of her was visible. Anna was only wearing a pair of jeans and a thin shirt, she hadn't bothered putting anything else on other than her jeans before fleeing the apartment and finding peace in the library. Her apartment was ghost infested. There were too many memories hiding in the smallest things. If Ruby knew that Anna had caught her, she didn't say anything, didn't look away. “Probably wear something warmer - it’s below zero out. You have so little meat on your bones you must be freezing. What the hell are you doing in a shirt and hang on.”

Anna jerked back when Ruby reached out and squeezed her shoulder slightly. Jesus Christ. Ruby frowned at that, shook her head and slid her leather jacket off her shoulders. She was wearing a zip up hoodie and a tank top underneath, the silvers of a tattoo peeking out at her collar bones. Ruby caught her staring at her, but did nothing but smile as she draped the hoodie over her shoulders.

"Much better." There was a slight smile on her lips. Anna wondered why she cared, why she even bothered to make sure that she was warm. Ruby shook her head again before sitting down and unpacking her laptop. "I'd bring you home, but I have to work on an essay or I'll fail Crowley's class." It was then that she seemed to realize something, shook her head. "Sorry. I'm probably overstepping."

"No, it's- it's fine." Anna was flattered by it, if she was honest. It had been a while since anyone had truly cared about her. Sure, she had Dean and his boyfriend, previously Jo as well, but Ruby was a virtual stranger. They'd passed in the hallways a few times in the past week, them quickly saying hi or smiling at each other in passing, bu other than that, they didn't know each other. To have  _her_ care and not the rest, it felt good. "Don't worry about it."

"Good," Ruby said, impatiently tapping her fingers on the edge of her laptop. "Crowley is an ass, I swear. He's the kind of guy who'll kick puppies if you let him. We have a ten page essay due tomorrow and I haven't gotten past the initial research and structure." She shook her head, slipping back into the leather jacket. "He's an asshole and the essay sucks. I'll make the deadline, but still. How are things looking at your end?"

"Fuck," Anna hissed under her breath as the realization dawned on her. "I completely forgot about that. Shit. This essay though, I don't know. Not as bleak as this morning." She would rather smash her head on the desk than start writing on the evolution of literature through the twentieth century, but it was a lot better than the mysterious illness she hoped would befall her this morning. "I've spend too much time behind the computer, but I think I'll manage that one. Crowley. Fuck. I forgot about him."

Ruby shook her head again ― she did that more than she probably realized ― and sat in silence for a while, staring at the computer before her. “Have you got a text document? So okay, I can’t do this anymore. Already did it once when I remembered about the essay the day of the due date, I can’t pull it off twice, but you can. Shove me your laptop?" Anna frowned as she slid Ruby her laptop, not sure what the other girl was planning on doing. After the computer skill that she had shown before, she had confidence that she wouldn't accidentally delete everything ― it didn't mean that she didn't save her file twice before passing it to her. “I'm creating a word document,” she said, “and typing some random shit in it. Anyway, not the point. I just typed some gibberish. What should we name it? I’ll name it Essay on the Evolution of Child’s rights by Anna’ for now, just add whatever you were going to write on. Open it in notepad, delete coding and email it.” She tabbed around on her keyboard, Anna’s eyes stuck on her nail polish. There were tiny stars in the black background. “He doesn’t open the files until at least next week and if he tries to open yours, he won’t be able to. He’s too much of an ass to actually do his work in time.” She smiled before saving the file. “See? You’ll probably get an email, something like ‘I’m sorry miss …”

“Milton,” Anna provided. “My last name is Milton.”

“Well, miss Milton. I’m afraid the file you send me was corrupt. Do you think you could send it to me again or send me a new version? Regards. He’s too lazy to actually do a lot more.”

“You’re a queen.” Anna meant that, she really did.

“Why thank you.” A smug smile stretched across her lips. “I have a few tech savvy friends who taught me the trick,” Ruby grinned at her, before going back to her research. "Now, you work on your essay I'll work on mine and when we're done I'm getting you a cup of tea or soup."

 

Anna took Ruby out for dinner and afterwards, Ruby walked her home. It was nice having somebody to talk to that didn't react like Dean, didn't push her into talking when she didn't feel like it. Ruby distracted her enough to finish her soup ― it was probably the most she had eaten in a little while ― and actually had her laughing at some remarks. It felt nice, it really did feel nice for a change.

By some miracle, both of them had managed to finish their essays. Anna didn't know how Ruby had managed it, but she should  get an award for that. She'd read part of it and it was good. They walked next to each other as they left the dinner, belly full and both of them content. Anna was swaying on her feet as they walked back, Ruby staying close enough to make sure that she wouldn't fall.

“We’re here, thanks for walking me home,” Anna sighed, thankful to be home at last. “Do you want to come in for a minute?” She didn’t actually know if her little apartment was presentable or not, but it was the least she could offer. If Ruby hadn’t walked her home, she wasn’t sure if she’d even have gotten home safe, or if she' started drifting.

“That would be nice, but I can’t.” Ruby pointed in the opposite direction. “I need to get back myself ― promised my brother a call. I’ll take you up on it sometime later.” Anna didn't meet Ruby's eyes at that, just stared at the ground.

“Good. Feel free to pop in whenever. Maybe call though. I’m not here that often lately.”

“Give me your phone,” Ruby said, smiling when she saw the confusion in Anna’s eyes. “I can’t call you if I don’t have your number doofus. I’ll give you mine, you program yours in mine.” She awkwardly took Ruby’s phone, typing in her number and passing it back. “Have a good night Anna. And take care of yourself okay?”

“I will. You too Rubes.” Ruby smiled at the nickname and nodded.

"I'll check up in you in the morning," Ruby promised, "and you better answer okay." Anna nodded at that. "Good, now go sleep okay, and put something warmer on. You're already sick, you shouldn't be getting worse."

"I will. Thank you."

 

Anna thanked the gods that Ruby hadn't taken her up on her offer and came in. Her apartment was the definition of a mess; there were empty coffee cups littered all over, along with plates of half eaten meals that she at least had had the decency to throw out before. There were magazines and books littered across the carpet, including class notes that she had lost in the past few months.

It wasn't worth cleaning up, especially not now. Ruby wasn't coming by anyway and she was worn out. The tiredness had seemed to find a way to seep in her bones, weigh her down. Ruby was pleasant company sure and  _yes_  she was nice to hang out with. Even if they had only talked a handful of times and had only hung out twice, Anna liked her. Even if Anna did like her, it didn't change the fact that Ruby's presence partially made everything worse. Worse, because she seemed to care if Anna was doing well or not, had given her a sense that she cared about her. Ruby seemed to think that Anna was worthy of friendship, while she so clearly wasn't. She really wasn't. _  
_

Anna was nothing but toxic to the other people in her life; she brought people down and made them feel bad. Dean and Cas merely tolerated her being there, just let her talk and pretended to be okay with her. Yet, there was Ruby, Ruby who had borrowed her her hoodie without even asking for it back. She had to be freezing, but didn't quite care about it. She had cared more about the fact that Anna was sick and cold than she was.

Anna wasn't worth the kindness that Ruby was offering. Far from.

 

* * *

 

 

Anna didn’t leave her bed for a week, or at least, she _thought_ that it was a week. Even though she had classes to be at and people to see, she just _couldn’t_. Her body was tired, she was tired. Each step felt like a burden, too much. Her default method of coping, wandering around, letting herself freeze, she couldn’t even do. It was too much, felt like she would break if she walked around too long. Felt like there was a weight pushing her down.

Anna didn’t know what had been her trigger, what caused the depression or whatever it was to creep back and settle in her bones, but it did. Every crook of her body, her limbs seemed to be filled with that looming, with that itchy feeling that something was completely wrong, off. Her muscles ached. She slept with Ruby’s hoodie pulled taught around her, blankets thrown haphazardly to the floor. Anna didn’t care about the fact that it was minus one in her room or that the heating wasn’t on. She didn’t deserve the warmth. If she couldn’t walk around outside, she would lay in a pair of shorts, tank top and hoodie inside and pretend not to break.

She had lost count of the days that were passing, when it was day and when it was night. The buzzing of her phone was the only indication that it had to be a decent hour to be texting someone. Anna had reverted back to pills to help her fall asleep, to help her tone out everything. Her dreams were numb flares of color. When she woke up, she popped more pills, fell asleep again. Almost like a laundry cycle; wash, rinse and repeat. Wake up, take pills, fall asleep, repeat. Repeat and repeat until it becomes too much to bear. She went on with it until she broke down sobbing, her mind catching up with her. Even these cycles repeated themselves. 

She eventually pulled herself up when the knocking at the door became too persistent. Somebody had come by the previous evening, knocked and when she didn’t answer, eventually gone away. Anna at least _thought_ that it had been last night. They kind of blurred together.

“Anna, I swear if you don’t open up _now_ I will go to the janitor and tell you that I lost my key,” Dean barked from outside, voice awfully loud after days of silence. She didn’t bother pulling on something extra before opening the door, squeezing her eyes shut at the bright light. It was sunny out, so it had to be noon, right? Her legs where shaking and part of her knew that she had to look like she was a train wreck.

“Where’s the fire?” At just the sound of her voice, she cringed. It was dry and raspy, still rough from her crying. Anna clung to the door stall, trying to fight the dark spots in her vision. Days of not eating did that to you. The hunger, the pain it caused. It was a distraction, a way to escape and it felt good. It felt good, but made her weak, made her feel like she could collapse.

“You look terrible.” Castiel looked almost as if he hadn't been supposed to say it. "I'm sorry. But you do."

“Why thank you,” she grumbled, “didn’t realize that. Really. Good to hear that I look about as good as I look. Anything else?” She just wanted to go back to bed, to sleep some more. If she was unconscious perhaps the sadness and numbness would stay away a little bit longer. “Or can you just go now?”

“You didn’t show up to class for a week, don’t talk to anyone, ignore your phone. What did you _think_ we’d do, Anna?” Dean didn’t say anything, just looked at her. “You must be freezing.”

“I’m fine.” The words were an evident lie; she was everything but fine. But people didn’t care, they just needed the reassurance that they could move on with their lives. People never did. ‘I’m fine.”

 

* * *

 

 

But she wasn’t fine, and she wasn’t fooling anyone. Dean and Cas both left her that morning, realizing that she wasn’t going to let them in. It woke her up enough to open up her cell phone and get all the calls through, see just how many texts she had missed. She felt uilty when she saw the worried text messages she had received from Ruby, more angry when she saw Dean and Cas's.

Not a half an hour later, there was knocking on her door again, Anna was annoyed and perhaps angry enough to half throw the door open, ready to start yelling at Dean or Cas, whoever had decided to come annoy her some more. Except she opened her mouth to yell at whoever it was that just wouldn’t leave her be. When her eyes met with Ruby's worried ones, she froze. It made her want to apologize, made her want to make excuses even though she didn't have any. Ruby didn’t say anything for a solid minute, mouth open and just _staring_ , before she walked in past Anna and pulled her in with her, door falling into the lock behind her.

“What happened?” Her hands were on the zipper of her jacket, taking it off and draping it over Anna's shoulders. “Are you okay?” Anna wished that this could reassure her, that she could say that Ruby being there made things better, but it only made the hurt and anger return.

"I don’t, I don’t know,” she managed to stammer, letting Ruby coax her into sitting down on the couch.  “I can’t.”

"OKay. Baby steps.” Ruby sighed before closing the door and do god knows what else while Anna zoned out. She just sat there, hands clasped in the hoodie and legs pulled up against her chest. She didn’t even realize just how much she was shaking until Ruby threw a blanket around her and pulled her close, not saying a word as Anna sagged against her, leaned back and let her tears escape.

Feeling somebody so close to her in such a platonic way felt nice; the comfort that she got from her, even though they barely knew anything about each other. Anna knew that this wouldn’t last, that not talking at all would soon disappear, that Ruby would want answers, about why she was behaving like this, feeling like this, but she just couldn’t. Anna couldn’t pretend that she was alright, not anymore.

The walls in her head were breaking, crumbling at her sole touch. While she could try to patch them up, the floodgates would break sooner rather than later.

"Hey, shhh, it’s okay, it’ll be okay. Can you breathe for me?” Ruby turned her head up, force her to look her in the eye. “Can you breathe _with_ me? Just focus on my breathing. See? That’s good.” Ruby’s hands were making small circles on her back, actually paying attention to the fact that Anna was breathing okay. “That’s my girl. Good. Are you feeling a little bit better?”

"Yeah, thank you,” Anna murmured, all energy draining out of her again. She just need sleep, to get all of this over with. She wasn't feeling a lot better, not in fact at all, but she was breathing again. Part of her told her that she was safe, while another part told her to run. Anna was ruining it all with Ruby by making such a spectacle of herself, by making herself into such a circus act as she was doing.

It was pathetic, bloody pathetic. 

 

* * *

 

 

Two days passed in a haze of being taken care of. Ruby turned the heating on, got her under a hot shower and fed her. The food didn’t settle too well with her; every time she tried some, her stomach made uneasy flips. The entirety of day one was spend within close contact of the bathroom. She only actually threw up a few times, thank god, but the feelings were there. Taking all those pills had wrecked her stomach. Probably, if that had lasted a little longer, she would have needed to go to a doctor because of the pain that ate away at her stomach.

Ruby stayed with her, bless her soul. Anna was pretty sure that she had classes that she was supposed to be at, but didn’t dare say anything or ask about it. She could push her away and help her realize that she didn’t want to be fixing her. That Anna was indeed as much of a screw up. Ruby was wasting her time with her, Ruby was being an angel and patient  while Anna was the one to wreck it all.

“Hey, hey, Anna? It’s okay, you’re safe.” She was shaking her awake, hands on her shoulders. “Hey. It’s okay.” Only when her screaming stopped did she realize that it had been her that was yelling not somebody in her dream. It had actually been her.

"Yeah. I. I’m fine.” She sat up, the blankets tangled around her legs. Sweat pooled at the base of her neck, the base of her back. Anna felt horrible; the taste of bile in the back of her mouth, the world moving around her in a restless pace.

“You’re running a fever,” Ruby scoffed, “you are everything _but_ fine. Sit up. I’ll go get something to get your temperature down and some soup.” Anna saw the eye roll in the corner of her vision. She’d kill for some painkillers, for something to drag her under, to make oblivious to the world around her. To be honest, she’d kill to feel clean again, to take a bath or a shower. She knew, knew that she could wash herself time after time until the water ran cold. She could try and try, but she wouldn’t feel completely clean, not at all.

And then a spoon was put to her lips and Ruby fed her the soup spoon by spoon at first, until Anna reached out and took it from her with shaky hands. Ruby’s hands didn’t let go of the bowl, clearly not trusting her not to pour the contents over herself in an attempt to bring it to her mouth or something.

“You know,” Ruby joked, watching her with a precision that almost scared her, “I feel like I am taking care of a baby. If you don’t feed them, they don’t eat either. They can’t – you don’t.” She chuckled as Anna spilled some of her soup. "They make a mess sometimes." A soft hand swiped the spilled soup away.

“I’m sorry,” she muttered, eyes fixed on the bow in her hands and the spoon. “I…try.”

“Yeah, I know you are trying. Don’t worry about it, I don’t mind. I was just saying it,” she sighed. “You know I don’t really mind. Anyway, even though I know you shouldn’t, I brought you some pills. Go to sleep, you’ll feel better in the morning.”

“I doubt it.” Anna wasn’t in the slightest but showing any gratitude for all the help that Ruby was offering her. She didn’t even pretend to be feeling better, as she should. “Thanks Rubes.” A weary smile crossed her lips as she guided Anna back down in the pillows, blankets tucked around her. Anna barely remembered a gentle brush of lips to the top of her head and a muttered _‘you gorgeous idiot’_ , before she drifted off to sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

Anna was “completely” back to normal a week later, or at least, physically. Mentally she was still a mess. She knew that her mind would take more time to heal, that it possibly wouldn’t heal at all. She tried at least, tried to smile and mean it. Wasn’t working, but that didn’t mean that she could sulk. Ruby called her every other night, making sure that she was okay. It was adorable really. She still hadn’t told her what was the cause of her behavior, why she was in such a bad place back then, but she just couldn’t. She didn’t want to tell Ruby because she was afraid that she would turn around and never look back, let her go.

“So, what do you think?” Ruby asked over the phone, snapping Anna out of her reverie. “You up for the movie marathon?”

“Yeah. That would be great!” and it would be great. It would offer her a little bit of distraction from everything that was going on, both between the two of them and around them. Exams were getting closer and closer and Anna was panicking. Even though studying may be her only defense mechanism, some distraction from it would be nice. “When do you want to do this?” Anna was still catching up on stuff she had missed, slowly getting back to it.

“Well, I wasn’t planning on going back for break, so maybe then? That’s… tomorrow, right?” She nodded, smiling without realizing that she was smiling or that Ruby couldn’t see her nod.

“Yeah, sure. That’s okay.” It wasn’t like she had been planning on going back to her family during her break. They would only comment on how she had changed, on how different she was now and she honestly didn’t want that. “How late do you want me to come over?”

“Well, we can start at five and have dinner? I can order in if you want.” Anna bit on the back of her pen, thinking.

“That sounds good,” Anna said, the smile still tugging at the corners of her mouth. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

"See ya.” She could hear her smile through the phone, could so easily imagine the way that her mouth curved up at the edges.


	3. breaking through your walls

_ _

 

_“You kiss me and it tastes like saltwater._

_There is a choked up sea welling inside the both of us._

_Even the earth does not have enough hands_

_to hold onto it all._

_You put your head in my lap and say ‘I am not worthy_

_of the ways that you love me.’_

_I swallow back the ocean, grip your hair,_

_breathe it all back, I say_

_‘I don’t care, I am going to love you_

_with all of these storms_

_anyway."_

  **AZRA.T** ”OVERSPILL”

 

* * *

 

 

They ate curled up on the couch, movie playing in the background. Anna sat next to Ruby, close enough to be almost touching but not enough to actually be awkward. It felt nice, being comforted by Ruby and the way that she was engulfed into the screen and the story that was told in it. Her eyes shone with excitement at some scenes, tears were in her eyes when the villain _almost_ killed the hero of the movie they were watching. To be honest, Anna wasn’t exactly watching anymore. Ruby had drawn her attention completely away.

Words were on her tongue; she _wanted_ to tell Ruby, wanted to tell her the truth about what had happened, what had caused her to behave that way and feel that way. She _wanted_ to but knew she couldn’t, knew that she couldn’t burden Ruby with something like this. Anna had opened her mouth a few times, but she just couldn’t. She’d pretended to grab some more chips of go for a refill. Ruby and her had build up a friendship that she had partially learned to agree with. She started to believe that when Ruby said that she cared, she  _actually_ cared and telling her the truth, it could change that.

For the entirety of their movies, the words were there, right on her lips, wanting to be spoken, but Anna didn’t. Didn’t until her mind was getting foggy with sleep and all she could do was blink the sleep away. Ruby sighed before pulling her closer, allowing her to rest her head in her lap. Her hands toyed with her hair, fingers threading through the strands absently. She had turned down the volume, allowing Anna to drift off.  

Anna was stubborn though to stay awake anyway. It probably wasn’t even ten pm and she refused to be the baby that fell asleep early. If she could go nights upon nights without sleeping, if she could do all of that just to hurt herself, she could stay awake for a stupid Captain America movie. Anna had actually enjoyed the movie until her mind had started spawning thoughts that distracted her. This was her mind asking her over and over again to just tell Ruby already. To tell her the truth.

It seemed to be so close to actually giving her the option. She was so close to finally telling the truth to someone and quite frankly, it scared her. _  
_

“Is there something on your mind?” Ruby asked halfway through the next movie. Anna didn’t know how she’d managed to zone out on that much of it. She looked up from the coffee she apparently had been staring at for the last forty-five minutes and took the scene in. Ruby had paused it to a zoom in of Thor’s face, his eyes staring at her. She took her eyes away from the screen.

“Yeah, I don’t know, don’t worry about it.”

“Is there is anything that you want to tell me, no matter what it is, you can always tell me, you should know that.” Hands were back to the back of her head, thumbs making small, soothing circles in her skin. It calmed her down, yes, but if she was going to tell her, she needed to be completely focused and she couldn't do that if Ruby was almost bringing her to sleep

“I know.” Anna sighed before sitting up. If she was going to _actually_ tell her what had happened, she needed to be able to look at her, so she knew what was going on. So she _knew_ when to stop, when it was all too much for the other to take and when she started judging. Not that she actually thought that Ruby would judge her for what she did. After all, she didn’t judge her over her break down, didn’t mention it and only expressed just how worried she was about Anna. Called one extra time if she didn’t seem to be coping or if she just had a bad feeling about how she was doing.

“Don’t force yourself. If you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to An.”

“I want to, I just don’t know how to start.” She fell silent for a little while, looking at her fingers. “You know how…instable I was a while ago. Well -  two months ago, I think at least that it was two months ago, Jo and I broke up." Her fingers started shaking slightly. "I told you about it. At least a little." Ruby nodded at her. "She broke it off after I confessed her things, after I let her in on things that I had kept for myself a long time. She got a new girlfriend now, Charlie, and it just hurts a lot to see her almost every day and see her be happy and smile.” She looked up at Ruby’s carefully neutral face. “I told her, I told her that I am asexual. That I don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone and she just broke me over it, cracked me into pieces.” Even before she had explained the concept, Ruby’s face had turned to one of pity. It made Anna’s rage flow back, the same rage that had flown through her veins when Jo had told her ‘ _that she would meet the right girl to make her feel better_ ’ blatantly ignoring _everything_ that she had told her before.

“Don’t.” She almost spat the words, all the pent up anger towards Jo and her attitude, towards the way that everybody had been treating her like a special little snowflake the past few weeks. “Don’t _dare_ say that I can be fixed.” Even Ruby, who she had _trusted_ her with so much of her secrets, with her vulnerable side. “Just don’t.” Her nails dug into her skin, leaving imprints in them. She pressed down harder, until the skin under them turned red and it no longer hurt. Until her fingers dragging out of them was the thing that hurt.

"I wasn’t going to. What I am sorry for is how Jo reacted. That’s low.” Ruby’s look could only be interpreted as honest. “Jesus. Being ace is nothing that you can control. My brother would skin me alive if I ever dared think that.” Ruby had a slight smile on her lips as she noticed Anna’s surprise. “His boyfriend – or was it the girl he dated before Ash, I don’t know – is ace. No, it’s Ash, for sure. They explained it to me and felt like I needed to know that about Ash because of some reason, I don’t even know. I have seen what it’s like, to open up like that. Hell, I saw that poor boy almost burst at the seams, _shake_ when they told me.” She took Anna’s hand in hers, squeezing it reassuringly. “Like you're going, kinda. Do you want to continue?”

“Yeah, okay.” Anna looked up from where their hands were almost intertwined. “The break up triggered what happened that night I think, along with the words that Jo said. With Jo, I managed to break down my wall and after she hurt me, I build it up again. What happened was just everything coming raining down and I couldn’t. Couldn’t pretend that I am okay or that everything is fine, I just couldn’t.” Tears pricked in her eyes, but she blinked them back. Ruby had seen enough of her problems, she didn’t need her crying as well.

“Come here, angel.” Anna buried herself against Ruby’s chest, letting the tears run free even though she knew she shouldn’t. She couldn’t help but to do it, couldn’t help it. This was Ruby offering her comfort without being asked for it, without wanting anything in return but perhaps to be able to breathe. This was Ruby _wanting_ to help her. It was the kindest thing that anyone had done for her in such a long time that it caught her off guard. She hid her face in her chest as she started sobbing, tears spilling over her cheeks without remorse, without cease. All Ruby did was rub her back and mumble soothing things before sitting down again, letting Anna settle herself back against her and drift off.

“We slept together, once,” she muttered in between deep breaths, “and it just killed me. I was off for days, felt awful for days. Jo said that it proved that I wasn’t really ace. Just that she wasn’t right for me. She almost took the role of the victim. It's when everything in our relationship turned sour.”

 

* * *

 

 

Anna woke up curled against Ruby. She  _thought_ that they had fallen asleep on the couch, with Anna still randomly crying every once in a while or tearing up. With the crying though came a sense of relief; for the first time that Anna told anyone about being ace without them turning on her and telling that she’d find the right person. Ruby didn’t push her away when she told her just how  _broken_  she felt. Maybe Ruby was better for her than she held in account.

She hadn't woken up when Ruby had carried her back to her bed and laid her down, which was a surprise in it's own, but what she did know, was that she had snuggled up close. Anna had her arms wrapped around Ruby, her face buried against her chest. Her heartbeat was calming, told her that Ruby wouldn't run away from her after hearing the truth. Part of her had feared that Ruby would be gone by now, that she would realize that she didn't have the time to be dealing with somebody like her. 

“Good morning sleepyhead,” Ruby sighed. “I was kind of hoping that you would wake up so I can weasel out and get us food, how about that?” And that did _sound_ good, but she was comfortable. Anna must have made _some_ noise because Ruby chuckled. “Come on. Get up.” Anna was hungry for a change, but the hunger felt good. Felt comfortable and familiar, about the only thing in her life that still sort of was familiar.

Anna untangled herself from Ruby even though she didn't quite want to and fell back on the pillow next to her. Ruby's bed was too comfortable and it was too early for her to already be up. She was close to drifting off again, eyes already falling shut again. It was that moment that her phone decided to ring and wake her up from her slumbers completely. Grumpily, she allowed Ruby to drag her up into a sitting position before passing her her phone. Ruby shook her head before slipping her pants back on and heading towards the kitchen.

“You’re too much of a morning person Rubes!” she yelled after the other girl. "Jesus christ it's nine am!" Ruby just laughed in answer, the clicking of pans soon following. Anna shook her head before putting her phone at her ear, only then realizing that she'd already answered the call. "Hello, Anna speaking."

“Anna?” Her mother sounded utterly surprised.

“Oh, mom. Hi.”

"Are you talking to your _friend_? Because I can call back if you don’t...” The simple use of the word friend made Anna’s skin crawl. From the start of Anna outing herself as bisexual – she wouldn’t even start to explain the concept of being panromantic to her mother – her mother made remarks of the variety at every mention of a girl in her life, no matter if it was _just_ a friend or if they were dating.

“I was, Ruby just woke me up. Don't worry though, she’s cooking right now, so you're not interrupting – did you want anything mom?”

“Not really.” She heard her sigh on the other end of the line. “I wanted to check in on you. Your brother misses you, you know. He’s been asking when you’re coming home again.”

“Check in done. I’m fine. Can you ask Alfie to call me later? I need to talk to him but I don’t have his number.” Ruby poked her head of out of the kitchen curiously, an almost worried look in her eyes. “Anything else? No? Good. In that case, I’d like to go back to sleep now.”

“Okay.” Amelia hung up the phone before Anna had the chance to say more and well, it didn’t surprise her in the slightest. The relationship between her and her mother had been rough ever since coming out to her. She wasn't sure that they would ever get to a point where they could look the other in the eye and spend time  with each other without being at each other's throat. 

Ruby threw her a worried look when she threw her phone down in the tangle of blankets at her feet and stood up. Anna ignored the bound of dizziness that tended to come with waking up and getting up when she hadn't had a lot of food the past few days. Which she hadn't, 

 “My mom,” she sighed, taking the cup of coffee from Ruby’s hands. “Thanks Rubes.”

“No probs, An.” They had slipped into the habit of using nicknames a little while ago without really thinking about it. Now, they used them almost all of the time. Not that Anna was that happy with hers, but Anna was an impossible name to turn into a nickname. It wasn’t like Ruby or Castiel, they would easily be shortened into Rubes or Cas. Ruby had taken to calling her An or Angel, depending on the moment. “Not on good terms?”

“Understatement of the year. It would mean we still talk on a regular basis. She did some things she shouldn’t be proud of, I did the same thing. Moving to college made things worse.” Before she moved out at least they pretended that they still got along. They spoke to each other on semi friendly terms for her brother. When she moved out all of that went out the window. Hael had moved out a long time before Anna did, out living her life with her husband and only rarely checking in with them all. “My siblings miss me and she uses that to bribe me into coming back home. I don’t know. She sucks sometimes.”

“Parents do. Is that why you don’t want to go home over the holidays?”

“Yeah.” She took a sip of her coffee, letting the warmth spread through her like a comfort blanket. “How about you, why don’t you go home during the holidays?” Anna had wondered it, because Ruby had only spoken about her parents in a good way, she'd never mentioned any problems.

“Ah, because my mom actually asked me if I had people staying back too and if I wanted to stay back with friends.” Ruby smiled at her. “It’s only an hour a drive, so I’m probably going to drive down for New Year’s and Christmas, but for the rest of the time, I’ll keep you company.”

 “You don’t –“

“I know I don’t _have_ to stay for you, I want to.” She turned back to the skillet, where _something_ was cooking. “Trust me, if I hadn’t wanted to stay I would be with them. I love them to pieces. I have to be honest here, I think that they’d drag me back by my hair if I stayed for any reason other than friends.” Ruby shook her head. “Hell, if I hadn’t called her to ask her the receipt for her chicken soup back when…” her words trailed of, the meaning clear behind the hooded expression in her eyes. “back then, I think that she would have begged me to bring you with to the gathering. She only _asked_ this time, which is a huge thing coming from my mother.”

“She asked you to ask me if I wanted to join y’all for Christmas?” Anna’s hands froze around the cup of coffee, felt her eyes widening.

“Yeah! Didn’t I mention it? If you want to, you totally can!” Ruby was smiling, almost grinning. “It’s what you want of course. Would you want to? I can call my mom to let her know.”

“I’d love to.”

 

* * *

 

 

Ruby called her mother to let her know that Anna was coming to the Christmas party _and_ got herself bribed into coming a few days early to help them set up and allow Anna to get used to the family before the dinner. It was oddly comforting to know that somebody _truly_ wanted to have her at the dinner table and that she actually wanted to be there as well. Her siblings maybe wanted her to come home, but their mother didn’t and that was what put Anna off of coming home. With Ruby, her mother had asked Ruby if she wanted to take her home with her.

“You’re still cool with this, right?” Ruby asked, throwing her duffel into the back of her pick-up. “If you want to back out, you are free to. I wouldn’t judge you.”

“Nah, I want to. I am more debating if I will survive the next hour in the car with you.” Anna was smiling, another actual smile that she couldn’t stop. In being with Ruby the past few days in between taking breaks and studying, Anna had found herself being pulled out of the sadness and darkness a little bit more each day. There was an actual smile on her lips some days, nothing that was 

Some days, it still felt like everything was only getting worse and that each step was a step backwards. On others, she felt on top of the world and thought that perhaps she could _win_ this thing. That she could get on top of it. Today was one of those days that she felt on top, happy. There were nerves alright, about how her family would react to her or how awkward it would all be, but she had the trip there to worry. Now, she just wanted to sit in the car with her best friend and enjoy herself. She wanted to sing along to songs they knew by heart and enjoy herself.

“So, okay a warning about my family before we arrive,” Ruby said, dropping behind the wheel and putting the key in the ignition. “They are a little… crazy. If you can call it that, which you probably can. So if they are crazy, I am honestly sorry for their behavior. My brother should have his boyfriend Ash with him and he's cool, I don't know who else is going to be there full time, but you'll see a lot of family members.”

“I grew up with nephews. I know.” She let the road draw her attention away, distract her a bit before looking at Ruby again. “You got a preferred station?”

“As long as it’s not classical, go for it!” Ruby smiled as she settled on a station and sank back in her seat. She knew that she would drift off if she didn’t pay attention to it, but Ruby would wake her up. She knew that she could trust her with that.

She fell asleep to Ruby’s soft singing in the background and with a smile on her lips.

 

* * *

 

 

They arrived at Ruby’s parents’ house a little before they were planned to. Ruby smiled when she looked next to her, to Anna who was still asleep. She knew for a fact that Anna hadn’t slept properly the last few days, but she didn’t ask her about it. She didn’t want to ask her, partially because she didn’t really want to know. Anna had her own secrets as she had hers and she accepted that. Just as she had her stories that she didn’t like to tell, Anna had hers. Stories that were a lot darker than hers, sure. Anna had her baggage. Her suitcase was already filled with so much stuff that had happened to her over the past nineteen years and sometimes, it overwhelmed her a little bit.

“Hey,” she muttered, hands reaching out to gently shake her awake by her shoulders. “It’s time to wake up, Angel.” Anna only grumbled, batting her hands away. “Anna, I swear if you don’t get up.”

“No.” She tried to back into her chair, to hide from her, face turning away from her and body turning to the driver's side of the car.

“You asked for it.” Ruby _tried_ to hide her smile as she undid her belt and scooped her up in her arms, carrying her out bridal style. Anna’s arms tightened around her neck, eyes snapping open in an accusatory glare.

“Ruby!” she shrieked. “Put me down!” And there was her big full on smile as Anna attempted to kick to get to the ground. She didn’t weigh enough to actually force her to put her down. It was another thing that she sometimes worried about, how little she weighed. Sometimes, it seemed as if she was only losing more and more weight. She carried her a little, until she saw her mom watching them and set her down gently.

“Well, it helped you wake up, didn’t it?” She tried her best not to look smug, but failed miserably. “Come on. I’m pretty positive my mom is already waiting at the door.” Of course, she was. Ruby almost rolled her eyes at the smile on her mother’s face, that look that said, _I know_. She welcomed them in with a curious expression, almost waiting, as if she was waiting for something to happen. As if she was waiting for another introduction, another something.

“Anna, this is my mother, Claire.” She said. “Mom, this is Anna, the girl I told you about. Chicken Soup girl.”

“It’s nice to meet you Anna,” her mother said, shaking her hand. “I’m glad you could join us for Christmas, it’s better than sitting at uni alone, isn’t it?”

“It certainly is. Thank you for letting me.”

“Well of course! Come on in, I’ll show you to your room so you can get settled.” She waited for them to pick their bags from the boot of the car. “I put you in the room across from Ruby. Is that okay? If you’d rather share the room, we can drag the mattress in or I don’t know, you can share her bed.”

“The room across from Ruby is fine.” Anna’s smile was questioning, eyes flickering to Ruby in an yet another accusatory look. Ruby just shook her head, she’d explain later. “Don’t worry about that.”

“Okay! Good. You’ll be meeting her siblings later – they’re all out at the moment, don’t ask me where. Ruby you know how difficult it is to keep your siblings inside the second they're together. They should be back soon though. They were all as curious about the mysterious Anna as I was.” The wonder was clear in her mother’s eyes. “We’ve heard so much and at the same time so little about you.”

“Ruby had been talking about me, huh?”

“Yes. I told you, I called mom for the soup receipt when you were sick.” She tried not to dwell on the word and kept her mouth shut about how she had told her mother just how worried she had been about Anna, didn’t tell her how just looking at the way that Anna broke had made _her_ heart crumble too. At the pride that she felt when she noticed that Anna was still wearing her hoodie, clinging to it like a lifeline. That the pride had left her the second that she saw the dead look in her eyes and just how much she was shivering.

“Come on in. I’m making spaghetti for tonight, I hope that’s okay? Ruby can show you to your room.”

 

Ruby dropped her bag into her room before going ahead and helping Anna unpack. It didn’t really matter if she unpacked or not. She had all her stuff in her room anyway. Anna had gotten the extra room they kept clean just in case anyone brought girlfriends or boyfriends in.

Her mother might suspect they were a couple from the way that she had looked at them or well, the way she had _blatantly_ hinted at them that they could be that. Ruby got why her mother might think that; you didn’t worry like that for people that you barely know, but the thing was. Anna was special to her in a way that even she didn’t really understand.

Ruby wanted Anna to trust her, to feel safe. She wanted to build her a cocoon where she could keep her safe and away from harm, even though she knew that she couldn't do that, that it would all be a futile attempt should she do that. This time around, the protectiveness had come sooner than the friendship and Ruby didn't quite mind. She knew that she worried so much because Anna hadn't texted her the entire week after Ruby asked her if she was okay or not.

 

Anna heard the front door slam closed a few hours later, announcing the arrival of Ruby’s siblings. They had hung out in Ruby’s room for the most part of the time they were there. Ruby’s mother had left to go pick the kids up and hit the grocery store, so it wasn’t like they had anything to do. Ruby walked her through moments in her life that were reflected in her room, like the first time that a girl had kissed her or the way that she had cried for the first time after a heartbreak.

“I remember sitting in the corner of my bed, like you are right now and clutching my pillow to my chest.” She said from where she was sitting with her legs pulled up. “My girlfriend at the time, I don’t know why but it just wasn’t working between us. She’d broken up with me like an hour ago and here I was sitting with a picture of the two of us in my hands. You know I have a temper. I just threw it at the wall. It was how I came out to my mom.” Ruby laughed. "I think my mother will always connect me being bi to me being sad because of it."

“Really?”

“Yeah. She came in worried because she heard the glass shatter and I was on my knees, picking it up piece by piece. Asked me what was wrong because I was the definition of ugly sobbing. Yelled at her that my girlfriend had just dumped me and life was unfair.” Anna smiled at that, shook her head. She could imagine it without problem. "Hey don't you laugh, I was thirteen, we had been dating for three weeks and I was  _heart broken_."

“How did she take it?”

“Pretty good actually. Took me to an ice cream shop and told me that when a girl breaks your heart, it’ll almost always hit you harder, because of the way they love.” She shook her head. “She taught me that women love with all their heart, with passion, while men will grow to love you. It was how my mom told me she is bisexual. How did your mom take it?”

“Whenever I have girlfriend, she’s my ‘friend’. I think that says enough.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s okay.” Anna shook her head slightly, trying to get the thoughts of her mother away. “Used to it by now. After years, you grow used to it.” It wasn't something that you were supposed to get used it. "Like  I said, it's part of why I didn't quite want to go home. Don't get me wrong, I miss Hael and Alfie, but Hael has moved out and Alfie is mom's favorite person anyway, so they'll cope."

 

* * *

 

 

Ruby was woken up by Anna’s screaming that night. It was one of the reasons that she had been hesitant to have her sleep in the room opposite her as opposed to in her room. She prayed that the others hadn’t heard, knew how much Anna would hate it if she woke up the entire house. Her mother knew part of what was going on with Anna, knew part of how things had went down the night that Anna broke down. Ruby snuck in her room, closing the door gently behind her before gathering her in her arms and muttering gentle words, reassuring her that everything would be okay. It was going to be okay.

“Hey, shh,” she muttered, hands stroking her hair. “It’s okay. Wake up Angel. It’s okay. It’s okay.” Anna relaxed in her arms ever so slightly before opening her eyes, tears still streaming over her face. She never talked about the nightmares but knew that she didn’t have to ask. Ruby was curious about them, but it wasn't her place to ask her what Anna was going through. “You okay now?”

 “Yeah.” Her voice was shaky and damn did she look tired. “Thank you.”

“No problem, want to go back to sleep?”

“I don’t think I can.” Anna pulled herself out of her arms. “I don’t think that I will be able to fall asleep again. I rarely can.”

“In that case, want to go downstairs? My siblings won’t be up yet – probably not until like elven am, trust me, they are lazy as they can be. I have a few movies and I can make us some hot cocoa.” It was only four am so her parents wouldn’t be up yet either. Perhaps in an hour or four, when the sun _actually_ decided to rise and wake them up, they'd come downstairs. “Mom and dad will be in their rooms until probably like eight.”

“Yeah, that would be nice.”

 

They were both snuggled up on the couch under their duvet a few minutes later. Anna had lingered in the doorway while she worked, still out of it. Ruby hadn't said anything while she stirred the milk, just let Anna be with her thoughts for a little while. The tile floor was cold under their bare feet, but she could wait a little longer before crawling back into the couch with their chocolate milk.

"Do you want little marshmallows?" she asked, wooden spoon stirring in regular circles. "They're on the top shelf over there." Anna reached up and took them from the shelf, putting them in both of their cups. "Hey, are you okay? I know I asked before but, you're cool with everyone, right?"

"Yeah," Anna smiled at her from where she was putting more in the bottom of Ruby's mug, "your siblings are great. Gabriel's kind but a troublemaker, right?" Ruby just nodded at that. "I mean, your parents are great and open. I'm pretty positive that more people in your family know me as chicken soup girl than they know me as Anna."

"Come on, it's too early for this, but they do, indeed. It's kind of funny though," Ruby sighed, "they aren't usually so receptive to people anyone brings over."

 

They both had their duvets and cups of hot chocolates a few minutes later; Anna had hers in her hands, trying to absorb as much of the warmth as she could. Ruby didn’t need it as much – even during the winter she slept in tank tops and a pair of long bottoms - but still kept it close to her.

Ruby understood why Anna had said that she probably couldn't fall asleep again, but she wasn't quite so sure that she would be able to do the same thing. Ruby wasn't so used to being awake at four am, it was unfamiliar terrain that she only saw when she  _really_ had to get an essay done. As the movie progressed, she found it harder to keep her eyes open and focused on the movie. After a few more minutes, Ruby's when Ruby's head was resting on Anna shoulder and part of her thought that she could get used to this. Part of her thought that she could get used to this.

"Go to sleep Rubes," Anna sighed, before pulling a pillow on her lap and letting rest her head there, "go to sleep."

 

Anna smiled down at Ruby, her hands carding through her hair gently. She was adorable when she was asleep, Anna realized. She was muttering softly and sometimes even smiling in her dreams. Anna couldn't quite make out what she was saying in her sleep; only every once in a while she would figure out a word but never enough to string sentences together or form meanings.

"Love you," she heard Ruby whisper around six am. "Promise." She had heard the words crisp and clear. They'd been so clear that she had thought that Ruby had woken up instead of still being asleep. "My Angel." Anna couldn’t help but keep the slight smile from her lips. It was he only real reaction she could have to it. The shock that the words brought with them could come later.

 

* * *

 

 

They went into town later that morning to go last minute Christmas shopping. Anna wanted to go ahead and get Ruby’s parents a little something, as a thank you for allowing her to stay at their house for the holidays. It was the least that she could do after they had been so kind. She hadn’t gotten Ruby anything yet either, but she honestly had no idea what she could get her. They had spend plenty of time texting or together, but she didn't quite know what she could get her that wouldn't be a waste.

She would probably know what to get her if she saw it and come back to get it when Ruby wasn’t looking. If she still didn't have anything when they were done shopping, Anna would have to be creative.

 

The problem didn’t exactly pose itself. Ruby and she were looking at shirts in a store when she noticed her looking back at one shirt longingly. She kept coming back to it until she settled on a shirt for her sister and left the store. Anna used an excuse to leave Ruby for a minute – ‘ _hey Rubes, I saw something a little bit back that I could get for your parents, I’m going to go and get it. You go ahead though, get us a table. I’ll be right back’ –_ and ran back to the store, getting both the shirt that she had seen Ruby look at and a jewelry set that she thought Rubes would love.

She got her parents something from the same store before going back to the little café, where Ruby had just taken a seat. Thank god she wasn’t away long enough to make the other suspicious.

 

The rhythm repeated itself over the next few days until Christmas. Anna would wake up early and try so sneak downstairs without not waking anyone up. Every time, Ruby opened her door to a crack to make sure that it was her and followed her downstairs. Ruby helped distract her, helped her get out of the bad head space that she was in. Some nights were rough, some nights she would rather get out and start walking.

One night, she did. One night Anna crawled out of the window and walked for what seemed like hours. She was sat on a rock watching the sunrise, shivering but at least feeling a little bit better. It cleared her head, made her feel a little bit less of a screw up and more of a human, even if it was only for a little bit. Ruby noticed, knew about her walking when she didn't feel right, so she joined her at eight am. Ruby hadn't said anything, just sat next to her and pulled her closer, let her be.

On the day of Christmas, the circles under Ruby’s eyes from always being woken up were too big for Anna not to feel guilty about it. So when she woke up at five am and got up, making Ruby get up too, she just shook her head.

“Go back to sleep Rubes,” she whispered, gently pushing Ruby back into her room. “It’s too early.” It was, it truly was.

"Nah, that’s okay.” Anna just pushed Ruby further back, hoping that the click of the door didn’t make too much noise in the silent hallway.

"Sleep,” she pressed. “Go to sleep, you look exhausted. They don’t serve brains at Christmas dinners you know, no need for zombies.”

"You’re up too, Angel. Did you even sleep?” Ruby stared at her, almost angry. Her anger was in her words as well. Her words perhaps were harsh, but they were the truth. She hadn’t really slept, not at all the past couple of days. It was starting to take its’ toll on her as well, but so far, she was still good, she was still coping with it. Ruby just scoffed before pulling her inside her room. “You’re going to sleep.”

“I’ll wake up everyone again with the nightmares again.” Anna knew that at least Claire had woken up from her screaming before. Some nights, the dreams had been so vivid that she had almost _yelled_ that she was too tired, that she wanted to be gone.

Part of herself was thankful that she only sobbed it against Ruby’s chest. She had no idea if Ruby at heard her, but she hoped that she didn’t. Because she had said some stuff that had scared even her. Sure, she had thought about ending it all, saying goodbye for that final time, but then she had met Ruby and Ruby had turned out to actually care and the thoughts were pushed to the background most of the time.

But now they were back and they scared her more than she liked to admit.

“I’ll keep them at bay.” Ruby pulled her in bed next to her, allowed her to curl against her. Anna fell asleep to Ruby’s steady heartbeat.

 

They slept until twelve pm, when Ruby’s mother came to wake Ruby up and was met with a surprise when she saw the two of them curled together. If her mother had been surprised, she knew damn well how to hide it. Claire just shook her head and smiled at the two of them.

“People are starting to arrive honey. Go get ready.” There was a short silence before Claire spoke again. “You too Anna. They’re all family so you might get a little overwhelmed, but there’s only ten of us here. It’s a quiet year.”

“In a minute,” Ruby grumbled against the top of Anna’s head, clearly not really awake. Anna felt quite a similar sentiment. Her embrace felt too comfortable, too good for her to say goodbye to it just yet. “We’ll be down in a second.”

“I’ll go tell them that you’ll be down in fifteen.” Ruby laughed at that.

 

There weren’t too many people downstairs, thank god. Anna had barely managed to properly do her hair or do anything else really while Ruby did her make up. In the dress she was wearing, spots of her tattoo showed. The dragon that stretched across her ribs – Anna knew only because she had asked – just its tail peeking out from the slits in the dress. 

To be honest, Ruby looked gorgeous today. While Anna didn’t feel any sexual attraction to anyone, these were the days that she wished she was normal just like anyone else and actually felt that. She was sure that the sight of Ruby would have turned her on instead of her just finding Ruby very aesthetically pleasing. She looked amazing. Especially compared to Anna, who flinched at the sight of herself in the mirror. She didn’t look like herself anymore. She wasn’t the vibrant girl that she had been only that summer, who wore floral dresses with birds and looked good in them.

With the way that she looked now, she might as well be a child. And part of her felt like she was that again, a child waiting for their parent to say that she should get dressed. All the curves that she had had growing up had started to disappear as she lost weight. Anna didn't quite know how much she had lost, but knew that she was crossing dangerous territory. Ruby had told her as much while they were hugging a while ago.

Even though she had only brought one dress, she threw it back into her bag, all need for it suddenly gone. Why had she even said that she would join Ruby? It was stupid. Now everybody would think they were dating, which Anna only wished that they were – and she would feel uncomfortable and weird and everything that she didn’t want to feel. She could settle on a pair of longer jeans and a nice shirt. She was sure that she had packed one. It would at least make her look like a fifteen year old instead of a toddler, the way she did in the dress.

Once upon a time, the dress had been her favorite and it had hugged her hips, waist. When she'd pulled it on now, it fit her loosely.

 

Ruby knocked on the room a few minutes after, Anna still standing in front of her suitcase in her underwear and with a scowl and her clothes pretty much everywhere. Anna should have probably cared more about the fact that she was pretty much naked except for her underwear, but it was Ruby. She honestly didn’t care if Ruby saw her like that. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Ruby asked, frowning as she saw the mess that was her room.

“I am trying to find something to wear,” she sighed, throwing the dress that she was holding to the bed. “The dress made me look like a toddler trying to be a grown up and failing miserably.”

“I thought you looked amazing,” Ruby said, “and who cares what they think? You might not even see them again after today, until you want to make this a thing. Put on the dress, you looked good in it. I’ll do your make up and I promise you won’t look like a teenager. Which you didn’t do before by the way.” Ruby must have noticed it too, how much weight she had lost over just the past couple of weeks. Ever since they had met, Anna had been losing.

“Thank you Rubes.”

“Don’t mention it, Angel.”

“Please don’t call me that in front of your parents,” Anna said shaking her head at the nickname. “I don’t think that they really understand.”

“Probably.” Ruby chuckled. “Might put up a show for them.” Under Anna's gaze, she shook her head. "Alright alright."

 

Ruby’s brother was already waiting for them downstairs with Ash next to him. They both had coffees in their hands, smirks on their faces and presents under the trees. Anna had put hers there the previous night, so that they would blend in better and Ruby wouldn’t get too curious about which one of them was hers.

“So this is the famous Anna,” Ash said, shaking her hand in greeting. “Ruby told us all about you.”

“Did she now?” Anna asked, cocking an eyebrow at Ruby, who turned a violent shade of red under the combined stares. “All good I hope.”

“You don’t expect to hear anything bad from her Angel,” Gabriel said, smirking. “Oh come on don’t look so surprised, I heard you guys talking in the hallway last night. Next time one of you wants to crawl into bed with the other, just do it please and get this awkward pinning over with.”

“What is it Gabe, do you need your beauty sleep?” _Touché_. Sometimes, Ruby did know her comebacks and _rocked_ them. “Because it isn’t really helping you out at the moment. And I _told_ you. These don't work if either of the parties is asexual.  _You_ should know that.”

"And still sis, you don't seem to know that either because you do the same." Ash threw her a tired look from where he was snuggled close to Gabriel. 

 

Even though Ruby’s mother had said that the people were starting to arrive, they didn’t truly arrived until about an hour later. Anna said way too many “hello’s” and “how are you’s” when they flaked in, one person here, a tiny family there. From their group of only two guests, they quickly went to a group of eleven. It was very different from the Christmases that she was used to. Everybody was always too drunk too easily, forcing the younger children, usually Anna included to go upstairs and play computer games and Xbox until everybody drunk was out of the house and it was safe to be downstairs again, without being subject to their pranks.

This was nice. She had to admit that she liked it he, more than she thought she would. Claire was lovely around her, offered her more coffee and didn’t push when she didn’t eat all that much. Her own mother would have pushed her and pushed her to eat more, to finish her plate and to get another serving. Sure, here the guys packed away more than half of what they were offered anyway, but still.  It almost felt like she was part of the family and Anna loved the feeling.

 

After dinner, she excused herself for a little bit. Too tired to be there for much longer. While she loved them and each of the people were wonderful, it was just getting a little bit much.She would be fine if she could just sit outside for a minute, have some time for herself and get her emotions sorted out. Months ago, weeks and perhaps even days ago, she hadn’t even dreamt of having a chance at feeling like this. She'd always been so ashamed about the way she behaved or the way that she had to look like to others and they didn't made her feel like that.

With Jo, she had been able to look at her and not look away for ages, because she was simply so fascinating. Ruby was the same but in a different way. She could look at Ruby and the way that she interacted with people forever without ever losing interest. Ruby was different from Jo, completely and in a way, the way she felt towards Ruby was different than the way that she had felt towards Jo. With Jo, she had been in love. Or at least, she thought that that was love, that that fluttering of her heart was what people called love.

With Ruby, it was a slowly flickering candle. Often, she forgot how she really felt about her, until she did something and that affection flickered through her. Or when they had curled up in bed and her heartbeat had been so incredibly calming. While Jo had made her feel like she was flying, it had resulted in her coming to a crash when she left. This, this was not the same. Ruby grounded her, almost prevented her from flying and falling. This was so different from the way that she had felt with Jo and this wasn’t even a proper relationship. I was far from a relationship.

After all, a relationship had to be build up around trust and knowing each other. It was the way that it worked for her, she had to know the people a little bit before she could fall in love. Maybe, that was what she was doing now. And it scared her more than she remembered ever being scared before. Because she wasn’t sure if Ruby returned that feeling. If Ruby cared about her that way and not just in a ‘ _this is my wounded bird and I am going to take care of her’_ way.

God, she needed to think about this, needed to know if this was actually worth the risk she would take by giving in. She had helped her so much and had become an anchor to her. If she would lose that, she didn’t know how well she would cope with it.


	4. broke through your walls

 

_I don’t know how to tell you_

_that it’s not emptiness breathing inside of you_

_it’s fucking magic,_

_it’s breathing,_

_it’s chosen you because growing things_

_look for warm places_

_and you are the warmest place of all_

 

 **AZRA.T** ; “THE MOON AND MORE”

 

* * *

 

 

Ruby found her outside a little over an hour later, a blanket on her arm. It was still cold outside, but Anna didn’t really feel it anymore. After months of using the cold as a therapy, she had build a slight resistance to it. She knew that scientifically speaking, it probably wasn’t right but it felt that way. The cold slowly had less and less effect and she could feel it way less than at first, that night that she didn’t want to remember. That night that while it had affirmed her asexuality for her, that had broken her into more pieces than she had ever been in.

The cold had been her only companion that had never left. She'd always had it, even if it wasn't right, even if she shouldn't. It had been her therapy for so long that even now it almost felt like a comfort blanket being pulled over her. And God had she needed it. Ruby's family was awesome, she loved them, but it also brought up all the feelings and emotions that she had felt in the past couple of months. How she had grown to almost hate her mother, how everybody rejected her the moment they knew.

“I brought you a blanket,” she offered, “want to sit with me?” Ruby guided her back to a swing on the back of the porch, big enough to seat the two of them comfortably and cover the both of them under the blanket. The swaying motion would get her to sleep if she wasn't careful, but that would be okay she guessed. They'd missed her for an hour already, a few more minutes wouldn't hurt. “Do you want to talk about whatever it is that is going on in that little head of yours?”

Anna huddled closer to Ruby anyway, let herself indulge a little bit. She knew her hands had to be freezing, that she in general had to be like holding on to a cube of ice, but she needed to comfort of resting her head against Ruby for a minute. It was pathetic, how much she'd begun to crave the affection that Ruby offered her without wanting anything in return, without wanting payment.

“God Anna, you’re freezing.” Ruby took one of her hands in hers, rubbed it warm the way her grandparents had always done when she was a baby. "This can't be healthy, you'll get sick again."

“I don’t really feel it anymore,” she shrugged. “After a while, you kinda get used to the feeling you know? The cold doesn't bite anymore, doesn't quite pull you out of your head anymore. If you'd see at which temperatures I take a shower just to get my head clear.” She shook her head, afraid that she'd said too much.

“That is the saddest thing I have heard today.” Ruby pulled her closer, arm around her waist to keep her close, so she wouldn't go anywhere. “And you just missed out on my brother’s drunk spills. They are the definition of sad. Trust me. I think that Ash is entirely too mortified over what Gabriel has been telling. He wanted to come out, see how you were doing too, but I think that it may not have been a good idea.”

“That was kind of him," she muttered, "I'll go talk to him when we go back inside." Anna fell silent, just watched her fingertips get some color other than bright red again. "I don’t know what to tell you. It’s just that way. But don’t worry Rubes, I was just thinking a bit. This is all very nice. You’re family is amazing, it's just a little overwhelming sometimes. They're so caring and loving and my mother won't even look me in the eyes or acknowledge my sexuality. It's different, I'm not used to being loved. They're too kind and wonderful.”

“Yeah, they are. But you know Anna, we all grew up with a mother that was openly bisexual, you create an open environment. Just because she didn’t really open up about it until I was thirteen, doesn’t mean that she didn’t teach us to be open and critical people. Us all, really.” Ruby shook her head. "She has a bisexual daughter and gay son, but she all loves us all the same."

“You know, it makes me wonder. Would my parents ever react the same way? Would they ever be this cool with it? On some days, it’s hard to believe we’ll ever even really talk.”

“You will. And if they don’t come around, you got yourself a family here. Mom and dad love you to pieces.” Ruby shook her head. “Truth here. They all love you in there. You should have seen how my mother looked at me when you walked out.”

“I wish I knew why.” Anna stared at the sky. "I wish I knew why they think that I am worth loving or caring for." Ruby was so sick of Anna selling herself short. Here she was again, making everything seem different again, as if she didn’t deserve the love that she was getting. If she only knew just how much she deserved to feel good. How much Ruby wanted her to be happy and content.

It was why she reached out and combed her fingers down her hair. She reached down to tilt her head up, praying that she wasn’t ruining everything by doing this. Their lips met in a soft, hesitant kiss. Anna not moving at first, not returning the kiss. She eventually did.

 

Anna stood frozen, her mind going into overdrive. She wanted to say something to Ruby, give her at least something. It wasn’t fair that she wasn’t kissing back because god knows she wanted to, she just needed her mind to get along with the program. She did kiss back, after a few seconds when she finally got the scare out of her. It felt good, warm, welcome even. Ruby tasted like chap stick and coke, smelled like daisies. It was better than she’d ever imagined it being.

Her mind was still reeling from the fact that Ruby had actually kissed her, on Christmas even. She wasn’t drunk or they weren’t under a mistletoe. Ruby had kissed her because she wanted to. She wanted to do this. She wanted to love her. Or at least. Did this mean that? Did it mean that she loved her or did she maybe just think?

“What was that for?” she whispered. “I can’t, you, you can’t.” She couldn’t do anything but whisper the words. “How can you love me?” If she even did love her that was. If this all wasn’t a big joke on her.

“How can I?” Ruby huffed, pulling her a little closer. “First of all, you are adorable. Second of all, how could I not? You are kind and lovely, everybody that meets you seems to be drawn to you. You’re not broken, Anna. You’re not. I don’t know how often I need to say this, but you aren’t broken Anna, you are a lovely person with such a big and generous heart and I cannot begin to say just how lucky I am just to have you as a friend.”

“I.” She couldn’t say anything else, couldn’t tell the other one just how she felt, just how much she wanted to kiss her right now. So she did, Ruby at first surprised but then with her head in the game, kissing back gently, hands resting on her hips.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to kiss you, Angel.” Anna just huffed.

“I think your family will want you back.”

“Probably,” Ruby sighed before pulling back. “Come on.” She pulled her up by her hand, only letting go when they got entered the room again.

Just from the look on their faces, they knew what had gone on outside and they didn’t cared. Ash threw her a worried but warm smile, and she just nodded at him. Maybe one day, this family would be her home.

 

Anna got better in the next few weeks and months. Ruby persuaded her to go ahead and look for a therapist to help her get through all of the things that were going wrong inside her head. She never pushed her farther than they wanted to go, said that she didn’t mind that Anna couldn’t give her sex.

Time after time, she reassured her that it was okay, that she was okay with the boundaries that Anna set. Some nights, they’d kiss and make out. She would start to panic, think that Ruby was going further, that she had enough of being patient. That this would be it. Anna would tense up and Ruby would pull back, a grin on her lips. Each time, Ruby just resorted to tickling until Anna was loose and relaxed again.

Slowly, Anna learned how to love Ruby fully. Slowly, she learned that it was okay to let her guard down and break her walls. With Ruby’s hand clasped in hers, she said goodbye to her father three years after they got together. Her father was killed in a car accident that too took the other driver’s life.

She married Ruby on a beach, with the sun setting behind them and the both of them in gorgeous dresses. Both had the day of their live, both of them were happy. God, in that moment both of them had tears running down her face, but it felt perfect to them.

With Ruby’s hand clasped in hers, she gave birth to their baby girl. A twenty-seven hour and difficult labor was what it took for the two of them to have their baby girl and Anna didn’t mind it for one minute. Even though she had endured pain for her girl and she was pretty sure that Ruby’s hand would be pretty bruised up. What was worth it was holding her baby girl to her breast to let her drink and looking up, looking at Ruby who looked at her with love in her eyes and tears streaming down her cheeks.

In that moment, she didn’t know if she could be any happier, if she could want anything more in her life than this. If her punk rock sassy wife could look any more adorable than with make up across her whole face.

“I love you, Angel.” With Ruby’s hand in hers, she was happy.


End file.
